Monday, February 4, 2013

BFF's

Last week I heard from two old friends. Wait…not that they’re old…or that I’m old. What I mean is, I heard from two people I’ve been friends with for a long time, (though not that long, obviously, because we’re all so fabulously young).  I loved hearing from them. Both conversations made me think about how truly blessed I am in the friendship department. They also made me realize I am not the most attentive friend one could ask for.

The first friend who reached out was returning my call, returning his call…from August, (hey, it was August 2012, at least). I came to find out my friend got a huge promotion at work. Also, he and his husband just bought a new house.  Oh, and one more little thing…his husband is in the hospital recovering from emergency surgery. He’s going to be okay, thank God, but geez, where was I all this whole time? Not helping, or offering support, or calling to say, “I’m thinking about you.” I did think about them, all the time, but for some reason or other I couldn’t find five minutes to shoot off an email.

The next friend called to say he and his spouse were dining out recently, (a rare date night away from their two young sons), discussing friends they hadn’t seen in too long, and guess whose name came up? I immediately realized the dinner out would have been on account of his BIRTHDAY, (which I missed, because I suck). Facebook keeps offering to handle birthdays for me, but it wants access to my address book in order to do the honors, and I’m worried this ends up with everyone I know getting spammed or hacked and un-friending me forever.  Anyway, my friend graciously assured me he has no clue of my birth date either, and no plan to get me flowers, a card or anything else unless there is a party involved, so that’s our new rule.  He went on to explain that he’d been in the grocery store a few weeks ago and run into another friend who basically said, “You never call, you never visit…I’ve written you off as a friend!” The encounter inspired a guilt-induced resolution to make more effort maintaining his important relationships.

I told him to consider me the cactus in his friendship garden. No, not because I’m prickly, or hard to get close to.  I’m neither, I promise. I just don’t need a lot of water or fertilizer. And, frankly, isn’t that the beauty of deep, abiding friendships? You can go weeks, (okay, months), without exchanging a word, but then, as soon as you do connect, pick up exactly where you left off. Or is that just the lazy, slightly reclusive part of me talking?

14 comments:

  1. Thanks for the reminder about maintaining friendships -- and how I'm not! I can totally relate to dropping in and out of people's lives. Everybody gets busy, and if you're not someone I'm running into on a regular basis, I'm probably not going to talk to you very often.

    It's always great when I do get a chance to catch up with the people I really care about but it usually engenders a wave of guilt and a resolve to do better at staying in touch. And yet...

    Thanks,
    Julia

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have my permission to ditch the guilt and simply enjoy the moment!

      Thanks for commenting!

      Delete
  2. I agree 100% that true friends can pick up where they left off and there is no awkwardness. I guess I might also be a cactus. And birthdays...I'm so damn old I don't even celebrate them anymore. And if anyone ever mentions surprise birthday party they are chopped off at the knees. Hate surprises! : )

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cactuses of the world, unite! (Although that may be hard for us, what with the thorns and all).

      I promise not to surprise you, or celebrate your b-day, but Robena, my dear, you are NOT old!

      Delete
  3. I have friends I don't talk to for months and months, then we go on vacations together and its like we've never been apart.

    As I've gotten older, the time and energy it used to take to maintain close friendships slips away and, well, things have to change.

    I strongly believe in picking up wherever we've left off, and hopefully that's enough for my friends.

    I hope your friend's husband is okay after the surgery, and that no one writes you off as a friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You've put your finger on it...time & energy. If only I could invent a way to get more of both!! (In which case, I would no doubt also be incredibly rich and could afford to hold nightly happy hours at Nobu for all my friends).

      Delete
  4. I think one can even go years between chats or visits and pick up where you left off! Guess that is the mark of old age, if not good old friends...lol.

    What impresses me is that you have two really good male friends. As a woman, I have found it difficult to find men who are interested in building friendship with a woman. In my experience, most men are looking for romance/hookups and are either too busy or to stigmatized by having a gal pal. One of my BFF's is a guy and I consider myself very lucky to have found him. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The beauty of the men, (well, there are many, but with respect to friendship), is that, in my experience, they tend to be a little more cactus-y too. Plus, absolutely nobody wants to hook up with me, so that simplies things.

      Delete
  5. I *try* to keep in touch, but sometimes it's hard. Doesn't mean I don't think about my friends all the time, though. That counts, right? And I have several friends where we can just pick up right where we left off. Love that. The heart knows what it knows even if time and distance get in the way. :)

    So happy you connected with two "old" friends!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, absolutely, the thinking about friends all the time thing counts! I actually really believe it does. On the rare occasions I go for a run, I distract myself from the drudgery of exercise by envisioning my family and friends and sending each person a, "Be healthy, be happy, and satisfied," thought.

      Delete
  6. I like the cactus analogy...I have a few old friends with whom I never lose connection even though we rarely talk or write. But when we DO, it's like old times! Good post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I also find a bottle of wine helps...not sure what my friends use...:)

      Delete
  7. I'm an ee cummings girl and subscribe to his whole "I carry you in my heart" theory, but I also understand that not everyone can see in there (into my overstuffed heart). So, I try (and often fail) to keep in touch as life and time allows. Your blog is a wonderful reminder to prioritize those old, or rather, longstanding friendships. Nice to appreciate the new ones, too. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hey, I have no complaints with your overstuffed heart, (and hopefully you have none with my coal-black one)! I do need to prioritize better though. I'd rather know how my friend's house hunt is going than which of the three houses the people on TV selected.

    ReplyDelete