And the Oscar Goes To...

I received a “Save the Date” email this week from friends G&M for their annual Oscar Par-TAY. There are only two things I remember from last year’s party: 1) I spilled red wine all over their fuzzy, white living room rug, (which makes this year’s invite all the more unexpected); and 2) I finished dead last in the Oscar pool.  This year I’m determined to do better on both counts. I will imbibe nothing but Krystal the entire evening and I will WIN the pool!

I headed right over to ABC.com for the Official Nominee List. Hmm…the good news is my selections will be untainted by actual, first-hand, familiarity with any of the films. The bad news is, I have never even heard of half the titles up for Best Picture, let alone more niche categories like Best Actor in a Leading Role.

A film called “Amour” tops the Best Picture list, (thanks to alphabetical order), but, I kid you not, the producers are listed as TBD. That’s a pretty frickin’ obscure movie, when even the producers don’t know about it.

“Argo” comes next. Looks good, and based on a true story, which Oscar generally likes. ABC.com lists George Clooney as one of the producers. I’m embarrassed to admit, if he’d starred in it, I probably would have seen the darn thing. My friend J told me it won the Producer's Guild Award for Best Picture, but I was immediately dismissive. An un-televised award? How determinative could that be? I asked him if it had won the Golden Globe. J replied, "Listen up, amateur, 'cause I'm only going to explain his once--the Golden Globes signify nothing, except the opinion of a bunch of Hollywood foreign press. That population has, like, zero overlap with the voting members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. The Producer's Guild? The Screen Actors Guild? Those organizations contain actual Academy members." Good to know.

“Beasts of the Southern Wild.” No clue.

“Django Unchained.” I recognize this as Quentin Tarantino’s latest flick. I loved “Reservoir Dogs.” I loved “Pulp Fiction.” I hit a wall somewhere around “Kill Bill Vol. 2.” I may cave when it hits Netflix or Video on Demand.

Speaking of loves, I loves me some Hugh Jackman. Again, I’m a little embarrassed to admit, but had this year’s Jackman vehicle been an X-Men installment, I could probably quote dialogue. But I have no burning desire to take in another version of “Les Miserables.”  I’m sure it’s awesome, in a way that only a musical based on a mid-nineteenth century French novel about politics, morality and justice can be.

“Life of Pi,” had a great trailer. If this movie hits VOD, I will put it to the Ambien challenge.

“Lincoln” appears in several categories, and I’m proud to say I have heard of both the man and the movie. In fact, Hubs and I almost saw this film. We opted for “Skyfall” instead. I agree with another blogger who opined that the latest James Bond offering seemed more violent and less sexy than prior Bond films, but I’m sure it was way sexier than “Lincoln.”

Next comes, “Silver Linings Playbook,” starring some dude named Bradley Cooper. I sat through “The Hangover,” based solely on Bradley’s allure, so you’d think I could carve out two hours and two minutes to take in an Oscar-nominated film featuring People Magazine’s 2011 “Sexiest Man Alive.” No luck so far. Have you seen it? Does the film show me a new side of Brad, (by which I mean shirtless, or pants-less)?  

Last, but not least, “Zero Dark Thirty” earned a Best Picture nomination. I thought for a moment I’d seen this one, but then I realized I was confusing the film with a photo of President Obama, Secretary of State Clinton and a bunch of security team members gathered in a White House situation room, watching the Bin Laden mission in real-time, looking like I look when viewing a really intense episode of “General Hospital.” Interestingly, Director Kathryn Bigelow did not receive a Best Director nomination, maybe because she won just last year for the amazing, (so I hear), film “The Hurt Locker.” Her ex-husband, James Cameron, also vied for the Best Director honor last year, for the movie “Avatar.” I couldn’t be bothered to see either film, but I would have paid good money to witness the first post-party exchange between those two.

Help me nail at least one category! Tell me your picks…your opinions. Trust me, you know far more than I.

Crappy Excuse

A few eagle–eyed readers out there noticed I skipped last week’s post. I have a really good excuse. No, I was not incarcerated, hung-over, or wrapped in a hug-me jacket and confined to a padded cell—thanks for asking. All of those weak-assed cop-outs would have been preferable to what actually went down, (or, more accurately, came up), but I’m warning you right now, this tale is not for the squeamish. If you can’t change a diaper or use a port-a-potty without gagging, trust me, you don’t want to go where I’m about to take you. I’ll see you next week.

Okay, my hearties, I think I’ve mentioned in prior posts that I live in Malibu. Many know Malibu as a celebrity hideaway, a source of reliable waves, or a picturesque stretch of Pacific Coast Highway. There is a dark side of the ‘Bu. We have no sewage system.  That’s right. We’re all out here sitting on our own shit.

The local no-growth contingent insists a sewer would be the first step down a slippery slope leading to such horrors as a hardware store, a Target, or, I don’t know, ocean water that won’t give you Hepatitis. I really don’t buy the whole un-checked growth argument. Malibu isn’t off the grid. Not by a long shot. I don’t have my own generator, for Christ’s sake. Hubs and I don’t trek to the town well every morning balancing clay pots on our noggins. We enjoy electricity and running water just like everyone else in California. Hell, we even have Fios. Separating sewer from the other basic utilities sounds to me like a big load of you-know-what.

I secretly believe our lack of sewer is less an anti-growth thing and more a money thing. If a smaller sewage project in lower Malibu serves as any indication, we can’t put a proper, centralized sewer in Malibu for a penny less than all the money in the world. Instead, most homes, including ours, have septic systems.

Fine and dandy. Flush the enzymes. Get the tank pumped once a year, and everything works…except when it doesn’t. But don’t expect a lot of advanced warning when things fail to flow. I heard a funny gurgle coming from the toilet last Sunday night when I drained the tub after the little guy’s bath. Later, while we sat in my bedroom watching “Go Diego Go!” I noticed a distinctly funky smell. The four-year-old swore it wasn’t him. The dog gave me an innocent look. Then I went to my bathroom for something or other, and discovered…the unspeakable…gurgling up from the drain in the shower.

I immediately called a local plumbing and pumping company, which was closed, of course, and left a semi-articulate message. Apparently I relayed my call-back number clearly enough, because a very calm woman contacted me after not too long and assured me she could send someone between nine and eleven the next morning, provided I was willing to pay for an emergency visit. My response went something along the lines of, “Lady there’s shit backing up into my shower. If that doesn’t qualify as an emergency, I don’t know what does.”

We made it through the night. I won’t give you details, but, suffice to say, it wasn’t pretty. By ten a.m. the next day, I was on the phone with the plumber, sounding like a stalker girlfriend. “Where are you? What are you doing? How soon can you be here?"

They came, they snaked, they pumped, and they told me not to flush paper towels down the toilet anymore. I don’t, I assured them. The little guy just looked up at the ceiling and whistled. Hmm.

Sooo…still want to give me shit for missing a blog post? I didn’t think so.

Happy Martin Luther King Day. In case you were looking for something more inspiring than my crappy excuse, here’s a link to the full text of Dr. King’s “I Have a Dream” speech, http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/martin-luther-kings-speech-dream-full-text/.   

I've Outgrown It

With a preschooler at home, I’m pretty in touch with the concept of outgrowing stuff – clothes, toys, activities –but I tend to think of the whole phenomenon as a kid thing.  Just lately, however, I hit upon some things I’ve outgrown, (other than a major chunk of my wardrobe thanks to the feeding frenzy known as the holidays).  While unexpected, (okay, not totally -- I expected the weight gain, and, frankly, I earned every pound), not all the discoveries horrified me. 

For example, apparently I’ve outgrown hangovers.  My reign as Queen of the Happy Hour ended when I traded a steady paycheck for a writing career, but, to be honest, I still drink as much as I ever did.  Strangely, I don’t get hung-over anymore.  I was pretty stoked about this until I mentioned it to Hubs and he replied, “Wow.  Do you think your liver has simply given up?”  Uh…not my first thought, no.  But now, I guess I better look into that.

Also, I’ve outgrown gossip magazines.  I joke about reading them, and I’m not saying you won’t catch me leafing through US Weekly at the Hepatologist’s office, but the publications aren’t finding their way into my grocery cart these days. I’m not sure why, but my world no longer revolves around burning questions like, “Who Wore It Best?”  If I had to point a finger, I’d say the Kardashians killed my interest.

One last epiphany did kind of…well…not horrify me, but it startled me.  I’ve outgrown “Sex in the City.”  During the original run of the series on HBO, I tuned in pretty regularly to follow the adventures of Carrie and team as they ate, shopped, clubbed and f*#&ed their way through Manhattan.  Their crazy lives fascinated me.  The writing seemed so edgy, and smart and, darn-it, funny.  But recently I caught a handful of episodes during a late night marathon on TBS and, I’m ashamed to admit, they bored me.  I can’t blame my reaction on the fact that they were re-runs, because I hadn’t seen these particular episodes before.  I just …I don’t know…couldn’t relate to the characters.  Instead of interesting and zany, they struck me as selfish and shrill.  Annoyance replaced amusement.  Even Carrie’s endless wardrobe, which, once upon a time, was reason enough for me to tune in, seemed silly and desperate.

Maybe the series hasn’t aged well, (it originally ran from 1998 to 2004, so even the latest episodes are closing in on ten years old), or maybe I haven’t, but we have nothing in common anymore.   I’m sad to say, I’ve outgrown it. 

Then again, if I use little guy’s development as an indicator, outgrowing something means growing into something else.  Maybe the big picture here is that if you’re living, you’re growing, and some things are inevitably going to fall by the wayside during the process.  Or maybe the powers that be are trying to tell me I need to spend less time nursing hangovers, pouring over celebrity gossip, or sitting in front of the TV, and more time writing my own edgy, sexy, funny characters. 

I’ll let you know when I grow up and figure it out.  Did you outgrow anything this past year?  Share your evolution!