Monday, November 19, 2012

Lessons Learned from A Bachelorette Party Weekend

The weekend before last I attended a b-party at the bride-to-be’s cabin in Big Bear.  Loads of fun, but I also came away with two profound observations you might find useful as you head into the Thanksgiving Holiday.  First, “Magic Mike,” staring Channing Tatum and Matthew McConaughey, is an awesome DVD you most definitely do not have to be sober to enjoy.  Second, I discovered a new law of physics.  Commit this to memory, ‘cause it is right up there with E=mc2.  Ambien + alcohol + sleep loft = brain damage.

So, “Magic Mike” … to be honest, I have no idea what this movie is about.  We watched it with the sound off and fast-forwarded through any scene that didn’t involve a ridiculously gorgeous man doing a next-to-naked bump- and-grind.  Still, the parts I saw?  Two thumbs waaaay up.   I was really impressed by the actors’ range.  Whether portraying firemen, construction workers, cowboys or soldiers, these guys totally pulled it off.  And by, “it,” I mean 99.9% of their clothes.  Mercy, those lads are limber!   Whatever yoga class they’re taking, sign me up.
Sometime during the movie, my friend LMG disclosed she recently sat next to Channing  Tatum on a flight from NY to LA. She disappointed us by reporting he chose to keep his clothes on the entire trip.  According to LMG, who bitterly regretted not getting red carpet ready for her flight about three seconds after her seat-mate showed up, People Magazine’s 2012 Sexiest Man Alive is polite and friendly, but takes up a little more than his fair share of the leg room.  After watching “Magic Mike,” I can see why.  LMG forgave him.  She’s a very forgiving person, especially if you happen to be the Sexiest Man Alive.

Nothing much connects my second epiphany, about Ambien and brain damage, to my first epiphany, regarding the cinematic genius of “Magic Mike,” (except, of course, the gratuitous amount of red wine I’d consumed during the evening).  Let’s start by saying I love Ambien.  Looooove it.   If I ever meet the chemists who devised this insomnia cure, I will kiss them full on the mouth.  This drug brought quality back to my life.  Sleep had been a little bit of a problem for several years, but in 2009, after my son came along, sleep became a major problem.  Once I woke up, (which you do several times a night when you have a little one), I couldn’t get back to sleep.  Let me tell you, your life goes to hell in a hand-basket PDQ when you’re only getting eight hours of sleep – a week.  After three years as a zombie, trying sleep journals, cool rooms, warm rooms, guided meditation, Melatonin, and Tylenol PM, I finally surrendered and talked to my physician.  A sleep aid good enough for Seal Team VI was good enough for me.
And it works.  Like a … well … like a dream.  I can still wake up and function if the little guy needs me, but I get can right back to sleep too.  Heaven.  However, the Sanofi-Avenis folks are very clear that you shouldn’t mix alcohol and Ambien.  Why?  The technical answer seems to revolve around the amount of GABA in the brain, but, short answer, alcohol intensifies the effect of the Ambien.   Yet when my friend turned to me and said, “Let’s take our Ambien now!” I didn’t think, No, the manufacturers tell us not to use their drug as a chaser for a bottle of Cab.  My thoughts were more along the lines of, WTF, I take this stuff so I can fall asleep.  Anything that gives me an extra nudge into dreamland -- how wrong can it be?

That’s the last thing I remember about the evening.  There was apparently a little more to the night, but I couldn’t tell you about it.  I don’t remember saying nighty-night to anyone.  Don’t remember going upstairs to the sleep loft and settling myself into a twin bed tucked under the tight angle where rafters met wall.  All I remember is waking up at 3:00 a.m. with my bladder ready to burst.  Naturally, I sat up to get my bearings – and slammed my head into a roof rafter so hard I actually saw God.  He was laughing his ass off.   I staggered to the bathroom to inspect my shattered my skull.  Happily, those bones are still pretty hard.  Everything stayed intact and … surprise, surprise … my brain wasn’t dribbling out my ear.  But then I was afraid to fall back to sleep in case I had a concussion, so I got myself a diet soda and laid there in the dark, quizzing myself on multiplication tables until sunrise.  This led to a third epiphany.  I suck at math.  But I kinda knew that already.
So, to reiterate the lessons learned:

1)       “Magic Mike” – Best movie I’ve ever seen where dialog and plot were totally superfluous.

2)        Ambien – Don’t mix with alcohol and sleep loft unless you wear a helmet to bed.
Have a happy and safe Thanksgiving.

10 comments:

  1. OMG I laughed at this post. I just got home Saturday from a trip to Australia. One of the in flight movies was Magic Mike and I thought, terrific, haven't seen that one. I was two minutes into the movie and red faced and sweating, surrounded by male passengers, quickly changed the channel. I WANT to see it but best to do that in the safety of my own home. : )

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yikes. Yes, you do want to see MM, but ... worst flight movie evah!!! The only place worse to screen it would have been in the theater. ;)

      Delete
  2. Ah to be young again (yes, in my book you are waay young). I've often wondered about ambien, because I have a life-long issue with not being able to sleep well, especially after becoming a mother. But I don't want to give up my glass (or two) of wine a day, so...melatonin is as strong as it goes for me.
    I knew there was a reason I didn't happen to see Magic Mike - besides the fact I didn't have dark enough sun glasses, a wig, or a trenchcoat big enough to cover my entire face in public.
    Thanks for a fun blog. I can always count on you for a good laugh, though I hope you didn't really get a concussion (good girl for forcing yourself to stay away)
    Oh, and any time with God is always quality time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I'm sad to say, when it comes to the prescription sleep drugs and the wine, it really is one or the other. The amnesia can be pretty intense and I'm already losing my mind, so ...
      But I totally understand your choice! Giving up my nightly toot was one of the reasons I stayed away from the Ambien for so long.

      Speaking of the young ... happy belated b-day! Whatever number it was, you make it look GOOOOOD. Now I know what to get you. Your MM DVD is on the way. Keep your eyes peeled for a plain, brown wrapper.

      Delete
  3. Ha, I can relate to the ambien. I've had sleep problems for years and finally relented after trying everything known to man. My dear doc said that 50% of population has some sort of sleep probelm. We should all Facetime at 3 am!! Before Ambien, BA, as I call it, I'd wander the halls and try to write in the (nothing that resembled real literature in the morning) Now it's me and Ambien, my sleep friend. Oh and I was warned off of Magic Mike, but now maybe I'll give it a try without the sound and with my finger on the Fast Forward button to the good stuff!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's exactly what I did when I couldn't sleep! I wrote. And boy did it suck. You wouldn't guess by looking, but I need energy and concentration to pound out a story.
      Not just blocks of free time arising from profound sleeplessness.

      I'll plain brown wrapper you a MM DVD too. And then, do as comedian Hal Sparks recommends. "Watch it with the sound off ... and your pants off." (Sorry. Couldn't resist). :P

      Delete
  4. Samanthe!
    Oh, man, you sure learn your lessons the hard way. (Yes, my pun is intended. LOL.) I'll admit that MM was a guilty pleasure for me. The story itself LACKED, but man-oh-man there is no way to NOT enjoy the bod on that CT. Holy cow. Thanks for making me laugh after a very long day at work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Luckily my head is as hard enough to stand up to my stupidity! Not so much other parts of my container though. If I drink enough of Christine A's recommended wines over Thanksgiving, I may blog about another law of physics I learned in college: Alcohol + The Pot Fairy + a Sliding Glass Door = A Broken Nose.

      Delete
  5. I've heard horror stories about Ambien. I just lay awake and think until my thoughts get too boring and I fall asleep.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whoops! I didn't mean to scare anyone away from Ambien. But, honestly, the most consistent side effect I've heard from my Ambien-dependent friends is sleep-eating. One friend was literally waking up with potato chip crumbs in his bed every time he took Ambien. There were a few ways to solve that problem: 1) stop taking Ambien; 2) stop buying chips; or 3) put a complicated lock on the pantry door. He choice option 3.

      Delete